Days Gone By

Oooh! Ahhh!

It’s that time of year again, where we feel like we get a fresh start, a chance to start again and do it right this time. At least, that’s how I view the passing of an old year into another. This year I will work harder at my resolutions, though I don’t really come up with any save the usual eat healthier, exercise more cliches.

I vow to just be myself this year and stop trying so hard to be something I’m not. And to have more fun. That’s it. This way I can’t really fail because it’s what I try and do every day, regardless of the month or calendar year.

So Happy/Merry December holidays, and Happy New Year!

Auld Lang Syne by Robert Burns (English translation)

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup!
and surely I’ll buy mine!
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dinner time;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend!
And give us a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

The Coaching Journey Continues

I just finished up with soccer season and after only a week off I’m into basketball season.  I assisted with 1st Grade co-ed Soccer, and middle school (6, 7, & 8th grade) boys soccer.

The difference between the two was jolting at first. In 1st Grade we are teaching the kids the basics, so my soccer knowledge, or lack of, wasn’t as obvious. The kids showed up, we did some drills teaching skills such as trapping and passing, played some keep-away games, scrimmaged, then called it a day. But the boys (aged 12-14) threw me for a complete loop. It doesn’t help that the coach is an Italian, athletic stud that plays semi-professional adult league soccer and was an ATP ranked tennis pro back in Italy. Suffice it to say, I felt unable to offer much coaching support. I was basically a warm body that the boys had to listen to if Coach Hot Stuff was busy.

Pinnies

I did learn a lot, though, and had a great time gabbing with Coach Italiano on the sidelines during games. I also participated in practices and learned all sorts of things out of complete boredom. I totally impress my Kindergarteners out at recess with my mad skills.

It was also interesting going from mixed 6 and 7 year-olds to 12-14 year-old boys. Most of the young kids’ practice was just getting them to listen, the girls to stop hugging each other, and the boys to stop telling potty jokes. The older boys were a completely different animal. I had brothers, but still feel ill equipped to deal with adolescent boys. For instance, our first home game we had to wear pinnies because the opposing team also had green jerseys. I commented, before I could stop myself, how they looked less like pinafores and more like giant athletic supporters. One of the 8th grade boys quipped, “Yeah, jock straps for giants.” I laughed, but quickly realized that may be an inappropriate thing for an adult female to say to a young boy, and laugh at.

Male Athletic Support

Another example of ineptness with boys occurred when one of the boys came running over to the sidelines during a game, begging to go to the bathroom. As it was a park, the only available facility was a port-a-potty. As he sprinted to the toilet, Coach asked me to keep an eye on the boy to make sure he wasn’t gone too long, as we were short players. I was praying that he just had a small bladder and that he would be back quickly. After many minutes, I realized he was in it for the long haul, and I was dreading having to walk over and “check-in.” What would I say? “How’s it going?”, “Everything working out in there?”, “Are you ok?”, etc. Luckily a teammate’s mother helped me out and did the job for me. Phew.

Now it’s Intermediate (4th and 5th Grade) girls basketball. Again, completely different from 1st Grade soccer or middle school boys. Tonight was our first practice and we only had 7 girls show up, 2 that had to leave after only about 45 minutes of the 90 minute practice.

I feel much more comfortable this time around, despite the fact that the head coach played college ball and I only played through junior high. The girls were impressed with my ability to spin the ball on my middle finger for longer than 1 second until Coach Amazing spun the ball for 5+ seconds on her middle finger, thumb and pinkie.

Well, I still look cool to my Kindergarteners….

Making Choices

School has started back up again and it’s back to the grind. The kids in my class are especially cute this year and I’ve enjoyed getting to know them and watching them get comfortable enough to hug and hold hands with me (my favorite part).

The first 2 months of Kindergarten are intense as we teach the children the routines and figure out who they each are and how to best reach them. I think we have already discovered the class clowns, the boundary-pushers, the stubborn ones, the sensitive ones and the ones that want to follow and enforce the rules. It’s great watching their personalities emerge and listening to the things they say. While we were suggesting adjectives and animals for our class name, one little boy announced after alligators had been proposed that we should be the “Appropriate Alligators!” with a giggle. Such a great sense of humor and he’s only 5!

Part of teaching kids manners and rule compliance is giving choices. That way they feel like they get to make decisions about their classroom life, and we get happier children. It’s also teaching them how to make a decision and live with it, something I’m not sure I ever learned.

Choices, choices...

In fact, I used to be quite indecisive. I actually still kind of am, but am learning to just choose something and go on with my life. For instance, when I come home from work I take 2 buses. One that takes me down the freeway from near where I work to near where I live. From the freeway bus stop, I have the choice of 2 buses. One takes me a block from my house (#26) the other takes me 5 blocks from home (#44). Both save me a lot of walking, but the timing doesn’t always match up with my first bus and sometimes it’s a matter of how long I want to wait. The weather here has been sunny and warm, so I don’t mind the walking or the waiting outside, but sometimes I just want to get home as fast as possible. So sometimes I choose to catch the #44 because it comes sooner and I am in constant motion going towards home. However, sometimes it’s late and catching the #26 would have gotten me home sooner and I’m annoyed that I made the wrong decision. I used to beat myself up about it until I realized that we all make choices every day and sometimes it’s the wrong choice. So live with it, because there’s nothing to be done about it now.

I cannot tell you much this has changed me. It’s seems simple and silly, I know, but making decisions was sometimes crippling for me.  While eating out I couldn’t decide if I wanted the pancakes or the eggs because I didn’t know which one would make me happier. While making plans with friends I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go out because I wanted to, or because of societal pressure to go out on a Saturday night. Or if I wanted to stay in because I wanted to, or because I was antisocial.

Now I try to please myself and don’t worry about it. If I want to see a movie and no one else is free to go with me, I go alone. Or if there’s an event I really don’t want to miss, but don’t want to go alone, I make myself go anyway because it will make me happier in the long run.

As I get older, I’m trying to live my life more for me. Why not? I am not married, don’t have kids and why wouldn’t I try to make myself happy? Of course this implies that I don’t do anything that negatively affects others or hurts anyone in any way, at least not on purpose.

I do sometimes wish that I was back in Kindergarten, where the choices are simple and it doesn’t affect your life as much. But as it is, I’ll just have to accept being a Kindergarten teacher and give the choices instead.

Too Nice

I’m just a nice person. I’m not saying this to brag, I actually consider it a flaw. Not because I don’t enjoy treating people well, but because I’m too nice.

I'm really, really nice. Too nice.

I guess the problem isn’t that I’m nice, but that I’m weak. I don’t like conflict and I don’t like people being annoyed with me or angry at me because I think it means they don’t like me. So I try too hard to make people like me by being nice and accommodating. But instead of this doing me any favors, it actually works against me because people sense that I’m not being myself so treat me poorly and walk all over me.

I’m not necessarily blaming others, because I should be able to stick up for myself and have a backbone. I’m starting to realize this and I’m letting my true self come out more. Instead of beating myself up about doing or saying the “wrong” thing, I just let it go and hope that people can sense my true nature.

The real problem with being too nice and not wanting to cause waves is when I fall in love. I just want to be so nice to the other person that I end up letting them walk all over me. They take me for granted and abuse my willingness to please. I often battle with which is worse, me for being weak or them for taking advantage. They’re probably both equally defeating.

I don’t know where I learned to give in so easily to those I love. I just want the other person to be treated well. I want him to have the comfy, new robe. I want him to get the bigger half of the cookie. I want him to feel special, and loved and important. I guess I just want him to feel like I want to feel. Maybe deep down, this is just a test to find the guy that notices these gestures. Who notices them and reciprocates the love the gestures represent.

Or maybe I need to just live my life, make sure I’m happy and taken care of and not give up my own personal comfort to accommodate another. So am I weak? Or selfish?

I mentioned a book called The Language of Letting Go in a previous post that touches on this behavior and has made me realize that being a martyr gets you nowhere. (Martyr- a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering.) Being a martyr in love only gets you abused and makes you unhappy. You should live your life for you and no one else.

This of course doesn’t mean you should love selfishly and only please yourself, it just means you should take care of yourself so that you never feel taken for granted. This is a hard lesson for me and it probably explains why I’ve only had one successful relationship in the last 13 years.

I guess that, as always, I’ve learned that I can value myself and don’t need the love of the “player”, or that “emotionally unavailable, charming, good-looking guy who picks his partners based on superficiality rather than values” to prove my worth.

I’m just tired of being treated poorly and have decided to listen to the old adage, “let go and let God.” Or in other words, whatever will be, will be and I’m done trying to force something that isn’t there. I’m happy with who and where I am and with where life has taken me. I’m not saying I’m happy with being alone, but I think I’ve gotten to a place where I’m more accepting of how life has turned out.

I don’t think I’ll stop being too nice: I’ll still talk to that homeless guy that sits next to me on the bus, I’ll still donate my money to support children in foreign countries, and I’ll still take care of her dog when my housemate asks me. I will not, however, sell myself short and look for love in all the wrong places. There is still time to change for the better.

Not having a bad day

I have bad days, just like everyone. The difference with me is that I tend to be over dramatic and think that a bad day is the end of the world. This leads to moping and movie-watching, and staying in my pajamas all day. I have to work really hard to not let this happen and this song helps. I love it and it’s on my “having a bad day” playlist which I force myself to listen to when I’m having a rough time. Maybe it will help you too.

HOLD ME by Fleetwood Mac

Can you understand me?
Baby don’t you hand me a line
Although it doesn’t matter
You and me got plenty of time

There’s nobody in the future
So baby let me hand you my love
Oh, there’s no step for you to dance to
So slip your hand inside of my glove

Hold me….hold me….hold me…
hold me….hold me….hold me…

I don’t want no damage
But how’m I gonna manage with you
Oh, you want the percentage
But i’m the fool payin’ the dues

I’m just around the corner
If you got a minute to spare
I’ll be waitin’ for ya’
If you ever want to be there

Hold me….hold me….hold me…
Hold me….hold me….hold me…

Hold me….hold me….hold me…
Hold me….hold me….hold me…

[Instrumental]

(Come on and…)
Hold me….hold me….hold me…
Hold me….hold me….hold me…
Hold me….hold me….hold me…
hold me….hold me….hold me…
Hold me….hold me….hold me…
hold me….hold me….hold me…

This video isn’t awesome, but it’s the only decent original one I could find.

(Edit: My playlist: Hold me, Don’t Stop, I Don’t Want to Know by Fleetwood Mac; Dog Days are Over, Hurricane Drunk by Florence and the Machine; In the Night, Redemption’s Son by Joseph Arthur; Digital by Joy Division; Tik Tok by Kesha; Easy and Lady by the Commodores; Midnight Blue by Lou Gramm; Beat It by Micheal Jackson; Walk You Home by Passenger; Let My Love Open the Door by Pete Townshend; Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles; King of the Road by Roger Miller; Paint it Black by The Rolling Stones; Dirty Work by Steely Dan; Lily and Parrots by Sun Kil Moon; (Nothing but) Flowers, Wild Wild Life by Talking Heads; It’s My Life by Talk Talk; Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears and Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers. These songs make me want to sing along and maybe even dance, which is why they improve my mood. WARNING: These songs are personal for me and I do not guarantee that they will improve your mood.)

Bittersweet

Have you ever felt so happy for someone else, yet so unhappy for yourself at the same time? Well, I experienced this for the first time Friday night.

I was attending the wedding of a friend, a guy friend. One of the nicest, smartest, funniest, kindest (redundant, but he’s really nice) guys I know. Our relationship is a complex one, as we met 4 years ago while online dating and just decided to be friends instead. There were a number of reasons for this: we both suffered from depression, bad timing, I was too needy, and we just weren’t ready.

So we weathered the storm of coupling, break-ups, drama and life and kept in touch as much as possible. Admittedly we’re still friends because I wouldn’t let the relationship die, as some friendships do, and because he’s such a good listener and realist that I needed his stability and kindness in my life. He helped me through 2 horrendous break-ups and tutored me when I was studying for my Paralegal certificate (he’s an attorney).

All in all he’s a great guy and an obvious catch. I thought about his a lot while I was in San Francisco and was working up the nerve to ask him out on a date when we spoke on the phone and he mentioned her. They had met when she was dating a friend of his and had bonded on a road trip from Seattle to Bellingham. She broke up with the friend, took a few months away from my friend, then called him up one day and the rest is history. They casually got engaged at an outdoor music festival without a bended knee or a ring and were married in the most casual, non-traditional, personal wedding I’ve ever been to. I guess that’s what happens when neither had ever been married and he’s 48 and she’s 36.

When I met her she told me an awesome story about seeing a fortune-teller when she was 30 years old. She was dating a guy that she ended up being with for 12 years, and the fortune-teller told her that she would marry a man who made her laugh when she was 36. And the man she was dating was not that man. And here she was, aged 36, marrying a wonderful man who made her laugh.

I love that story and while it gives me hope and makes me want to rush out to see a fortune-teller, it also breaks my heart. Where is my wonderful man to make me laugh? Do I have to wait until I’m 48 to meet him?

Everything happens for a reason, and only when you’re ready so aren’t I ready enough? I mean, for goodness sakes, I’m 36, haven’t dated anyone seriously in almost 9 years and seem to only be appreciated by the men I date after we’ve broken up.

I don’t want to become a bitter, angry woman with multiple cats and a knitting addiction so I keep my head up and go out with any (well, almost any; I do have standards) man that asks. I spoke to a friend recently who’s in the same boat and she recommended to just keep on keeping on and to know that I’m enough.

For whatever reason the last week has been really tough and I seem to be stuck in a negative, pathetic rut. It all started when I spent some time with a friend whom, for whatever reason, has a negative effect on me. I don’t know why, but when I spend time with her, I feel lost, alone and unsure of myself. So that was how my Spring Break and week off from work began.

It just kind of spiraled from there, winding down to the wedding on Friday. Maybe seeing all of my friend’s close friends and family and the love everyone had for each other was what put me over the edge. I’m not really sure. All I know is that as happy as I am for the couple, I feel bad for myself.

Ah well, this too shall pass. Once I start back to work on Monday (ugh!) I’ll get back into the swing of things and be fine. I just hate that I get like this. It makes me think that all the work I’ve done got me nowhere.

So, Happy Easter and I hope the sun is shining wherever you are (though I know if you’re in Seattle it’s overcast and supposed to rain) and that you’re spending time with the ones you love. Be thankful that you have people around you that love and support you, because it’s easy to take that for granted.

“A true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. ” Bernard Meltzer.

You’re not my friend anymore

*This is inspired by a good friend. You know who you are.

I have come to a lot of conclusions lately and I can’t tell you how exciting that is. As some of you know, I suffer from depression occasionally and am working really hard to make it a very small part of my day-to-day. I learn a lesson every day and use it to help ease my over-sensitivity, insecurity and social awkwardness.

For instance, I was speaking with a friend today about becoming closer friends. Yes, I know some of you are laughing at me because most people realize that becoming closer is usually more organic than inappropriately sending an email. That’s the great part, because when my friend received this email, he thought to himself, “I thought we were close friends.” Of course we are! I mean, just because I have been holding back as a self-defense measure doesn’t mean he viewed our relationship as any different. It was only different in my head!

This makes me laugh. It also makes me feel like the Temperance Brennan character from Bones. She’s extremely intelligent and kind, but socially awkward because she spent all of her time studying rather than making friends. I’m not extremely intelligent, but my depression and sensitive internalizing made me socially awkward too. I spent more time beating myself up about doing or saying the wrong thing that I ignored obvious social cues and find it hard to be close to people.

So when I was speaking to my friend today and he mentioned that some people upgrade and downgrade their relationships, it supported a behavior I have been trying to exhibit for months: why not just be myself and let the chips fall where they may. Meaning don’t force anything, just let relationships happen (or not happen) naturally. Duh!

I feel so enlightened I want to cry! The only downside to all of this is that just because I’m enlightened doesn’t mean anyone is going to notice. Sure, I have more self-confidence and I approach relationships differently, but what about the people I already know? Will they give the old Becky a chance to show how much she’s grown? Or will they just assume I’m the same person I’ve always been and not pay my growth any attention?

I’m going to be positive and hopeful and keep trying with the people that know me. I’m going to keep being me, even if it means people don’t always like me. And I’m going to keep laughing so the world laughs with me, rather than weeping alone.

I’ve learned not to make such a big deal out of things and definitely not to upgrade and downgrade people like airplane seating assignments. Do you want to be my close friend? Then I look forward to letting it happen (or not happen) naturally.

p.s. I’m including a photo of my sexy new haircut. I have to admit, it does help with the whole “feeling good about myself” thing.

Wow. I look amazing!

Happy Valentine’s Day

*To honor Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d write a post about love.

If you have a significant other, I hope you value that person. I hope you realize how lucky you are to have found someone to love who loves you back. This happens easily for some people, and I hope if you are one of them that you don’t take this for granted.

Sometimes one person's happiness is another person's misery.

If you are single and not dating anyone, I hope you don’t suffer. I hope you realize that YOU are wonderful, and beautiful and fantastic. I hope you love yourself and don’t seek your value in others. I hope you don’t give in to the pressures of society and feel the need to be with someone, anyone, just so you don’t have to be alone.

If you are dating someone, but unhappy, I hope you realize that it’s better to be alone and lonely, than to be unhappy and coupled. As an African proverb says, “It is better to travel alone than with a bad companion.” Why waste your short, precious life being with someone who doesn’t fulfill you? What if you meet your perfect mate tomorrow, but you’re married to the unperfect today?

If you’re single and happy and have no hang-ups or baggage about love or being alone, then congratulations! You are an enlightened being and a rare find, at least in my experience.

Everyone deserves to be happy and loved. Everyone deserves to experience a fulfilling, loving relationship. It breaks my heart to hear people say things like, “No one is ever going to love me,” or “I must not be worth loving.”

Perhaps you never marry or have children, but that doesn’t make you unworthy. It just means that you chose a road that didn’t lead to a family. It’s your life and you make the decisions about what you think and how you live your life. Just change your focus to being positive and accepting rather than hating and it will all be OK. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” -Dr. Seuss.

I sometimes see couples that are most definitely made for each other. They both seem to be marching to the beat of a different drummer, yet they found each other. It makes me laugh and helps me realize that there’s definitely someone out there for everyone.

I guess all I’m saying is make the most of life and love yourself. Being a martyr and wallowing in failure won’t get you anywhere. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and teaches you valuable lessons, if only you’re willing to learn. If you have your heart broken it doesn’t mean you should stop loving, because everyone gets hurt sometimes. If some people don’t like you it doesn’t mean you’re unlikable, because not everyone is good in social situations. If you always seem to be unlucky and nothing seems to go your way it doesn’t mean you’re a loser, because thinking positively takes effort and isn’t easy for everyone.

I believe everyone can be happy because being happy is a choice. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone. “Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Confessions of an Uncool Kid

Today a young boy, about 10 or 11 years old, came running up to me at recess to tell me that he was half and half. My first thought was utter confusion because this boy was as white as they come. I examined his features more closely, thinking maybe I’d missed a hint of some other racial characteristics apart from British or eastern European. Nope. It turns out that he’s half Romanian, half Transylvanian. Yes, I fell for it. He informed me that he’s able to hypnotize werewolves and immobilize zombies. (I didn’t ask how for fear of his articulate, well-thought-out answer.) Well thank goodness he told me. I now know whom to call about that pesky werewolf gang that lives up the street.

You’d think by now I’d be used to these unique children and their imaginations. It will be interesting to see how these wonderfully smart, interesting children perform at sport, as I’ve been asked to be an assistant coach for middle school girls basketball.

I might have my work cut out for me..

If you’re wondering how much I know about basketball, I have to tell you it’s pretty close to nothing. I mean, I played in grade school, but that was over 20 years ago and I have almost no recollection. When I told my mom about my new job, she laughed. I guess that gives you some indication of my skills.

When I was a freshman in high school I tried out for the school basketball team, but was so awful I didn’t even make the freshman squad. The coach, my science teacher, took a liking to me though, and decided that she wanted me to come to each of the varsity girls’ games to keep the stats. I was known as the “team statistician” and was provided with a red sweater emblazoned with Central Catholic High School Varsity Girls’ Basketball in gray (our school colors) on the left breast. If you’re thinking that this sweater sounds cool, you’d be wrong. Coach Applebaum expected me to wear said sweater proudly to each game. She was seriously baffled as to why I kept “forgetting” to bring it with me; I was equally baffled as to how she was unaware of the sweater’s dork factor.

I survived the season and remember only one game where someone threw something at

This kid looks much cooler than I would have in my red sweater...

me and laughed. I luckily had a co-statistician, my friend Nicki, who helped absorb some of the teasing and stale popcorn.

I’m sure my coaching stint won’t be as embarrassing or as emotionally traumatic.

However, seeing as these kids are probably smarter than me, I’ll have to wait and see…

Another Lonely Day

By Ben Harper

Yes indeed I’m alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it’s either love or hate
I can’t find in between
cause I’ve been with witches
and I have been with a queen

it wouldn’t have worked out any way
so now it’s just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it’s just another lonely day

wish there was something
I could say or do
I can resist anything
but temptation from you
but I’d rather walk alone
than chase you around
I’d rather fall myself
than let you drag me down

it wouldn’t have worked out any way
and now it’s just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it’s just another lonely day

yesterday seems like a life ago
cause the one I love
today I hardly know
you I held so close in my heart oh dear
grow further from me
with every falling tear

it wouldn’t have worked out any way
so now it’s just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it’s just another lonely day

A friend recently made me a “mix tape” and this song was on it. It kind of summed up the end of my most recent relationship. I love how no matter what you’re feeling, someone else along the way felt the same thing and wrote a song about it.

Though the theme of this song is kind of sad, I’m not sad. This song just expressed a bad day I was having. Listening to it actually helped me deal with my feelings and move on.